Monday, May 31, 2010

Closet reorganization: A dramedy in five acts.

Act I.
At rise, an incredibly disorganized closet. The exact perfectly placed mess is ultimately the decision of the set designer, naturellement, but clutter suggestions include
  1. three laundry baskets of varying shapes and sizes, originally intended to separate clothes for easy laundering but now contain a hodgepodge of clothing, belts, and a hairbrush that went missing for a week
  2. several purses that have exploded out of their hiding place, some containing "surprises" (see Act IV)
  3. a pile of shoes that were once lined up neatly but now are in a jumble (also known as the "haven't worn since Virginia became an armpit of humidity" pile)
  4. A pile of cardboard boxes and packing materials that are perfect for sending packages three months after birthdays are over
  5. A bunch of empty hangers, save for those that have adorable dresses that are never worn by Our Heroine
Enter Our Heroine, a spunky young woman who tries valiantly to keep all of her crap together but sometimes abandons the pursuit of The Flawless Life in favor of garlic-parmesan popcorn and episodes of Pawn Stars (hey, she knows how much Confederate money is worth these days. Actually pretty useful). OH has been enjoying a lo-o-o-ong weekend and now knows that her Monday would be best used in one of two ways: 1. organizing her closet, so she can actually she has a variety of outfit choices instead of just washing and rewashing the same clothes each week or 2. napping, as she missed several choice opportunities in favor of making the perfect vanilla buttercream icing. Given that there is already a pile of crap on her bed, she decides to begin the week acting like an adult by tackling the closet.

OH: Tra-la-la-la-la! Oh what a lovely day to finally attack this closet! I'm sure this will be a wonderful experience that will ultimately reward me in many ways! ( OH begins to sort her laundry) I shall begin by separating all of the lovely pants I wear (OH is noticing that she is missing a pair of pants) Wait, what the... (OH frantically pulls through the pile that has already been sorted, then through another, then through another. The actress playing OH shall feel free to use any obscenities or creatively colorful phrases that come to mind. Try combining the word "douche" with another word, such as "nugget," "muzzle," or "spout.")

It is at this point that OH remembers visiting her parents the previous week after work, proclaiming that the humidity made her feel like she was living in a fat roll, and changing into a pair of shorts to walk their dog.

Act II

OH enters the room with a Swiffer to mop the closet floor. (This, remember, is a closet floor in a basement apartment, and somehow finds new ways to gross OH out at least once a season) OH mops quickly, and takes the Swiffer out of the room. OH returns, notices the sweater box on the floor, and decides to put it back in the closet. OH walks on the wet floor, curses, leaves the room to get the Swiffer, re-Swiffers, shuts the door, and places three post-it notes that say "YOU MOPPED DUMBASS" on the door.
She leaves. Offstage, the audience can hear a crash, for she spun around quickly and knocked one of her favorite wine glasses on the floor.


sits on her ass and watches an episode of "Dead Like Me" amid three piles of laundry. Hey, at least she's able to prop her lower back up of the pile of dark knits.


OH goes through her purses and finds:
  1. $2.78 in change
  2. two pots of lip balm
  3. 8 post it notes with either lists of stuff she needed to do at work or groceries
  4. the earbuds she thought she lost
  5. the missing earring she's been looking for for WEEKS (once you can't find an earring, it seems like that's the only pair you ever want to wear)

Well. The laundry has been sorted, the majority of it has been done, and our heroine lies back in her bed. What has she learned? That IKEA glass is not as indestructible as it looks, that squirreling coins away in her bags will be good for her at lunch this week, and that she longs to be rich so she can hire someone else to do this organizing crap for her.

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